Golden Reflections -Widowed vs. Divorced on Social Media

If being Widowed means you’ve experienced the death of a spouse, why doesn’t being Divorced mean you’ve experienced the death of a dream marriage?

I’ve frequently pondered why I’m reluctant to post some of my memories on Facebook and other social media. Part of my reluctance comes from wondering what the purpose of social media is.

Being on the internet from the early 1990’s, I’ve watched it sprout from just a text search engine like Archie & Veronica, then mushroom into a GUI interface as Netscape was developed. I watched it explode into a Wild West with no rules, and spread further as the dot.com craze took over. Then finally watched as Facebook, Twitter and You Tube took over everyone’s household, and recently watched TikTok, ChatGPT, and more expand the ways we connect with each other, and entertain each other.

My current pondering, though, focuses around what people post on the apps mentioned above. Many people post every place they go or things they do, which helps inform others of interesting things to do. Others post family pics, which allows others outside the family to be more familiar with the special times in their lives. In many ways, these posting help us bond together with experiences we previously would not know about each other. Some post political or religious viewpoints and others can agree or disagree with them. Sometimes the poster is trying to figure out their own view and want to learn from others, but occasionally some just like to stir up the political/religious pot.

But several types of postings stir up my angst and make me wonder if maybe I’m wrong in my thinking. These are the postings celebrating wedding anniversaries or the death of a deceased spouse or child. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want them to stop their postings, as I realize it gives them a sense of sharing their joy, grief or sadness and receive congratulations/condolences from others. Many do it every year on the anniversary of that occurrence. What I question though, is why those of us who are divorced, or who overcame hard things in our lives, can’t (or just don’t?) post about those milestones that may have been hard, but made us stronger.

For example, on a day in November this year, I would be celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary if my spouse hadn’t come out of the closet after 33 years as transgendered. The wedding day fifty years ago was a happy occurrence, followed by 33 years of growing together, raising a family, caretaking family members through their end of life. It was a good marriage until it wasn’t. And while my thoughts on that day will be bittersweet that it didn’t continue, I’m no sadder than a widow/widower who posts every birthday, wedding day, death date from their marriage whether it lasted 50 years or not. Yet widow(er)s can post all those postings on every corresponding date and receive condolences and offers for hugs each time they post.

But divorcees have to commiserate their memories on their own, silently and alone. No one that I know posts the memories of such dates. Or if they do, it comes across as being angry and bitter. Would it be wrong for me to want a hug for the 50th anniversary of a marriage that was good for 33 years? How is that different for one that lasted 33 years until the spouse passed away? After all, I’m considered in some communities as a “Trans Widow” as the person I married no longer exists as that person. It also was the death of a dream and death of a marriage for me. I do have good memories that I miss just like others miss with those they lost.

It’s not like I’m asking for condolences every year, just the right to not feel guilty that I have to keep my sadness on that day silent. Or am I wrong? Can I post remembrances without looking bitter and angry? How will others see it?

After all, it’s not like I haven’t moved on to other relationships or post about it on a regular basis. But can’t a girl just get a hug every 50 years?