Aging through the beats of our lives… “Life’s Whatcha Make It” (Jake Owen) ….
Aging….. the ins and outs of life…. is catching up to me. At the ripe old age of 68, I’m a little depressed tonight due to the hardships of other people. Oh, I’ve got my own sadness, but mostly my heart hurts more for others than myself. So as I sip on hot chocolate and listen to country music as I write, my depression seems to be lifting. Don’t know when I’ll get to sleep tonight… but who cares… I’m retired!
This past weekend was an emotionally full one. On Saturday, my first ex-husband stopped by to take the love seat from my porch (I’m moving and have to down-size). This is the husband that came out of the closet after 33 years as transgendered. S/he at this point in life is suffering from NALD (Non-Alcoholic Liver Disease) along with severe diabetes, and her legs and arms are so swollen and broken open with sores, that s/he could hardly move. Yet she pitched in and lifted the sofa with me to put in into her car. She had to move some things around in her car first because she still volunteers for a train garden organization making the platforms to run the trains on. I feel sorry for the pain and anguish she is going through on her own, yet don’t know how to help. We’ve been divorced for over 12 years now, but are still “friends” and touch base on the kids and grandkids at least twice a year. She’s listed me as her only next of kin, as she is an only child, only grandchild, and the only nephew so has no one left to make decisions for her end of life challenges. Neither of our adopted kids can be counted on for those decisions. Our daughter is back in hiding possibly in the drug world again. Our son has schizophrenia syndrome along with limited mental abilities and doesn’t drive.
There’s a Difference (by Tyler Rich) is now playing… I do want to be the difference…. particularly for those around me, especially a gentleman friend going through a tough time of his own, who taught me to accept my old body as it is, and awoke the woman in me that got squelched by life’s experiences…. and now…..
“There’s a difference between “miss ya” and “I miss your face”
And there’s a difference in “what’s going on?” and “baby, how was your day?”
Yeah, there’s a hell of a difference in saying three words or kinda just meaning two
And there’s a difference in “love ya” and “I love you”
And I wanna be the difference, yeah I do”
She Kept the Hotel Key (by Old Dominion) is playing and that’s so appropriate as it’s one of those songs that reminds me of that gentleman. “It makes her think of me…” He warned me that music would sound different to me after he touched my life. I will always be grateful for his wakening me up to some of the good things in life.
“She kept the hotel key
Slipped it in her purse
I guess it makes her think of me
And that night we left our hearts on our sleeves and the clothes all over the floor
We both know we can’t open the door no more
She kept the hotel key“
I just hope he can find the strength to find peace with his demons, and the courage to depend on others to help him through the challenges. Thinking of him…
Anyhow, back to my weekend….
Sunday, I took my disabled son and my dog to the ocean for a day trip. It was a bittersweet type of trip. I needed to take my son because his counselors told me he was panicking over my move because he thought I was moving to Denver (CO) rather than Dover, DE. So we took the ride to see where my apartment would be when I moved, and of course, being so close to the ocean, I had to show him that as well. It was a delightful day, particularly for the dog! It looked like dog heaven on the boardwalk because all types of breeds were there. Petey really enjoyed it. The weather was delightful. The only challenge was that walking on the beach was tough on both my son’s ankles and mine, reinforcing both of our physical challenges. Thankfully, I had already planned therapy for my ankle (evidently the arthritis is irritating an old sprain), and the combination of walking on the uneven sand and driving so long re-inflamed it). But I was hurting by the time we got home. Tylenol, Icing and heat got me through the night, though.
One of the more depressing things that happened was on Monday, though. I had jury duty. I spent most of the day in the jury room only to be dismissed which was a kind of relief, yet brought up so many memories that my mind is having trouble settling down thinking of the life experiences that caused me to be dismissed. It was a murder/child abuse case, and when I told the judge I was a teacher and “mandatory reporter” as well as had adopted two kids who were products of the system and still struggling to the point that my grandkids had to live with me while their dad was incarcerated, I was dismissed within a few minutes. I told them that I could probably be “dispassionate” but couldn’t guarantee the emotions would stay under control. However, the judge felt that the case would be “too close to the vest” for me. So, I left with a mixture of relief and feeling guilty that I couldn’t do my civic duty. Once before, my experiences with my kids got me dismissed, but that one was a drug case. This will probably be my last chance for being on a jury as after 70 you can opt out of jury duty. I probably will because I suspect most cases will touch somehow on my heart. My mind rationalizes that I did my civic duty for years by adopting two kids who would have had a rougher life if I hadn’t taken them out of the foster care system. Our lives have had many challenges, but life could have been harder for them, and much lonelier for me.
And even now, part of my sadness is looking forward to lonely years as I age. Who will take care of me in my old age? I took care of my in-laws and my own mother, and most people have their children to lean on in their senior years. However, my son doesn’t have the ability to do that and my daughter can’t be depended on to even be reached (or will she even be alive if she’s back in the drug world).
So I fight on… attending therapy when necessary, keeping up with swimming, and keeping in touch with friends on a regular basis. And hoping to make lots of new friends when my house sells and I make my move…
Burning Man (by Dierks Bentley) is playing now, and a good way to sum up life’s up and downs.
“Half your life you struggle
Half your life you fly
Half your life makin’ trouble
Half your life makin’ it right
One day I’m the exception
Most days I’m just like most
Some days I’m headed in the right direction
And some days I ain’t even close”
But I think I’m going to keep this one in my head to fall asleep – Love Someone (by Brett Eldredge)
“‘Cause when I wake up in the middle of the night
You’re holding me so tight
Take whole of me, my oh my
Sure feels good to love someone
When you laugh at the way I dance
When you smile when you hold my hand
I look at you and I understand
Sure feels good to love someone”
Tomorrow maybe someone to love will show up…… and talk to me.